A Song In My Heart: Good Love Gone Bad

File Under: Hearing Is Believing

In honor of Valentine's Day being tomorrow I will be giving homage to love via song - Bane style.  Today is a toast to one night stands, inappropriate love affairs, stalking, sexual innuendo, and settling for second best - tunes that one way or another became some of the most popular love songs ever, that really should never have been at all.  This is not a list of the worst love songs ever, because they each rocked in their own way, but definitely this could be a list of the most inappropriate love songs of all time.

I'm crazy for your love.  Literally.

Stephen Stills summarizes the free love movement
Today it would go something like this: "Hey, your husband is on an oil rig?  Well, my wife is in Afghanistan.  Let's do it!"

"Love The One You're With" by Stephen Stills from Stephen Stills released 1971 on Atlantic

A.K.A. "If You Don't Know That You Should Leave"
In the best thing off Bon Jovi's baffling turn as country music musicians, Jon Bon Jovi asks an old flame, "We both know this is a bad idea but seeing as we're already drunk, do you want to have sex?"

"(You Want To) Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi from Lost Highway released 2010 on Lost Highway

Bad Lieutenant
We are just going to pretend he left her shivering in the rain.  Yup...

"Don't Stand So Close To Me" by The Police from Zenyatta Mondatta released 1980 on A&M

The Innuendo Song
This is supposed to be a sweet, innocent song about lifelong love, but we all know what he is talking about.  Wink, wink.

"Can't Fight This Feeling" by R.E.O Speedwagon from Wheels Are Turnin' released 19845 on Epic

"I'll be stalking you.  Whore."
This song screams: play this at your wedding.

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police from Synchronicity released 1983 on A&M

Isn't being a sleaze sex-ay?
"Shhh, keep it down; my wife and kids are trying sleep."  As many times as I had to hear this painful track in 2006-7, listening to it again enough times to find a HQ, commercial free version without stupid pictures was by far the most painful part of this whole exercise.  These are the things I do for you, my faithful followers, because I love you so much.  Now join me in my misery and click on the video.

"Lips Of An Angel" by Hinder from Extreme Behavior release 2006 on Universal Republic

The Murder-Suicide Song
It doesn't sound so bad with catchy lyrics and a nice beat.  The Human League should also write:  "Don't You Like Poverty," "Totalitarianism is Fun," "Who Needs The Second Amendment Anyway?" and "No Means Yes."

"Don't You Want Me" by The Human League from Dare released 1981 on Virgin

Friends with benefits and a crying clause
Not sure if I am in love with you or not, but I am definitely super horny right now.  MAJOR CAVEAT:  If you leave the door open, the whole damn deal is off in the future.

"Your Love" by The Outfield from Play Deep released 1985 on Columbia

Somebody call Chris Hansen.
The title says it all.  Pedo-Bear!

"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap from Young Girl released 1968 on Columbia

P.S.: Did anyone else notice that The Union Gap does not have a brass or string section?

You got someplace better to be?
The original ode to one-time nocturnal amorous indiscretion by the balladeer with the most epic beard in rock'n'roll history.

"We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band from Stranger In Town released 1978 on Capitol

Fantasize about your best guy friend having sex...
Nothing creepy about that, it should make a catchy pop song.  Every man needs an anthem, Rick Springfield wrote one for "that guy."  Promptly the next year the first ever Man Council of the Brotherhood of Men was convened to codify Man Law and the subsequent ratification of the Bro Code in the years to come.

"Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield from Working Class Dog released 1981 on RCA

Flesh and blood partners are so analog.
How we all came to be here today.  The song that foreshadowed internet porn, internet dating, and chat room sex.

"Computer Love" by Zapp & Roger from The New Zapp IV U released 1985 on Warner Bros.

The Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift of All Time

'Til death do us part, and here is how much I mean it.

There you have my list of some of the most inappropriate songs about love ever.  Did I miss some?  Let me know on the Facebook group page, The Office of R. Conrad Bane and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @RConradBane.  I leave you with a bonus tune, not exactly a love song you associate with this holiday per se but probably one of the cutest, most endearing, and most inappropriate songs ever: Deano's version of The Date Rape Song.

"Baby, It's cold Outside" by Dean Martin from A Winter Romance released 1959 on Capitol

Forget Platinum. True Players Wear Brass.

File Under: Hearing is Believing

(c) 2010 Patricia Field

Bane is not all work and no play. He likes to have fun and has been known, on occasion, to get 'jiggy." With this in mind, I bring you “Hearing is Believing,” great new and old music that comes across my desk. Bane likes to mellow out periodically, and when he does, it probably involves music in some way; and so it was that today I needed to mellow out. I opened my Last.fm Scrobbler, and queued up the “Jazz” tag channel. On came the Coltrane, the Sade, the Michael Buble, the Nina Simone, the Ella, and slowly the calm came along with them. However, I was completely unprepared for the Hypnotic Brass Ensemble.

I consider myself at least a moderate admirer of classical and instrumental music, and I love when artists use untraditional instruments in unique ways. For instance, when Bon Scott (of AC/DC) first introduced me to Rock and Roll bagpipes, I was blown away. However, never did I imagine I would have my musical world rocked by the oft-overlooked baritone and the humble sousaphone.





Hailing from the Windy City with a rich musical history, this 9-piece band masterfully blends jazz, funk, fusion, and a touch of hip-hop tinged neo-soul to create a funky, innovative sound that is reminiscent of the best works of Herb Alpert, Isaac Hayes, and War. If one could say music has entered into a state of creative cardiac arrest, this group is without a doubt a shot of adrenaline to its chest.


For the lead-out clip, I bring you the song that changed things for me. With Phil Rudd on drums, Mark Evans on bass, Malcolm Young on rhythm guitar, Angus Young on lead guitar, and the late Bon Scott on lead vocals and Rock Highland bagpipes; here is AC/DC performing, "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)."





If you are interested in what else The Bane listens to or you want to suggest something, add me on Last.fm or YouTube.

Schnitzel, Drugs, and Rock'N'Roll

Cannabis, Kush, Chronic, Dro, Purple Haze, Ganja, Weed, Skunk, Pot, Buddha, Grass, Herb, Bud. Whatever you call it, this trio of tales is an ode of sorts to the almighty sticky green.

Don't Tread on Weed

File Under: The Law is Not Mocked

Up first, a move of uncharacteristic non-douchebaggery from a state government that normally gets so much wrong from a legislation and Constitutionality standpoint. The California Supreme Court scores one for those who like to toke a J every now and then (for medical purposes of course), by striking down a six year-old amendment to the 1996 Compassionate Use Act. The case in question, People vs. Kelly, revolves around the state legislature’s limit of 8 ounces of marijuana, and the 2005 arrest and conviction of a man in possession of 12 ounces (3/4 of a pound) of marijuana. That is a conservative street value of approximately $420 - $1500, depending on demand, strain, and Mr. Kelly’s horticultural prowess. That could certainly comfort a few glaucoma and cancer sufferers. The high (no pun intended) court stated placing limits on what is enough Mary Jane for personal use is major not cool. After the stressful proceedings, everyone gathered out back to burn one with Governor Schwarzenegger, who in spite of not being stingy with his stash, apparently has vacuum lungs, and hogs the blunt.

Don't Download This Song

File under: Technically Speaking

On to the other side of the world and a question for all you consumers of cannabis: what do you do while you are getting high? That entirely depends on the individual; however, I am willing to bet you listen to trippy music. People have been expanding their minds with the aid of reefer since 3,000 years B.C and I bet music has been a part of the process all along. Thanks to some keen folks at Bach Technology, soon you may be getting groovy and listening to trippy music in a new audio format. The engineers of the proposed format call it MusicDNA, and just as human DNA carries all sorts of information about the host, so does MusicDNA carry additional content about the song. Paying users can receive cool information like song lyrics, “the dates of future tours, new interviews or updates to social network pages.” The new technology should be compatible with IPods and MP3 players and a beta version available this spring.

Pimp My Schnitzel

File under: I Cannot Make This Stuff Up

Everybody knows when you are high, listening to killer tunes, you get killer munchies and you crave the most incomprehensible foods or food combinations. For a high of truly epic proportions, you need something epically stupid on which to munch. What could fit the bill - how about a 24k gold-plated schnitzel? Yes, I did say gold-plated and yes, I did say schnitzel. For the bargain price of 150 Euros (approximately $212 for all you Yankees), Schnitzelhuber of Dusseldorf, Germany will calm your cannabis-induced cravings with a deep fried schnitzel, basted with white and black truffles, and topped with gold leaf. If you are uninitiated as I was I know what you are wondering, and yes, you consume this costly concoction whole, precious metal and all. Apparently, gold-plated food was all the rage in days of yore, when royalty would have delicacies gilded or sprinkled with the stuff. The practice still goes on today in upscale restaurants. Some very expensive liquors and cocktails also contain flecks of gold. Consuming gold in small quantities is not harmful as gold is biologically inert. Trace elements of gold occur naturally in the human body; about 0.0000003% of your body’s atomic makeup is gold. There are even solutions of gold purported to treat diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and tuberculosis. “Well,” you ask, “eating gold is harmless, if a bit gauche, what is so stupid about this gold-plated schnitzel?” To understand this, let us break down the components of this schnitzel. The Wiener or Vienna Schnitzel is a traditional Austrian dish consisting of a thin slice of veal, coated in breadcrumbs, and fried. In its traditional form, it is about 7 Euros (roughly $10 US) at Schnitzelhuber. So how does Huber turn a $10 meal into a small car payment? If you are blaming the gold leaf, I am afraid you are wrong. Culinary gold is available in gourmet stores for relatively cheap. The economical offender in the gold-plated schnitzel is the smattering of white and black truffles under the gold leaf. Simply put a truffle is a fungus, a very expensive fungus. Think of it as a mushroom that thinks it is better than other mushrooms. The variety smeared on top of the golden schnitzel sells for upwards of thousands of dollars US per pound. One, record-holding 3.3-pound truffle sold at auction for a whopping $330,000 US in 2007. Having tasted a dollar once before (do not ask) I certainly hope 330,000 tastes a lot better.