Monday, September 20, 2010

Interview with The Bane

File Under: Useless Information

"Information is a commodity. It can be traded, sold, and purchased. And in the end, credits are only as useful as the secrets they can buy." - Darth Bane
This is just an "interview" for one of my friends college essays. Sadly, this will not star Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, or a young Kirsten Dunst. In fact, you might even find this unforgivably boring. I however, do not care; I did entirely too much introspection and typing not to share this so you will have to suffer through it. Besides, are you not the least bit curious about the author behind all these twisting tales of wonder and woe? No snickering. You will read it and like it, or may you be cursed with a virulent rash in a tender location. Therefore, without much further ado, I offer you a rare vista into the mind of Bane (that is I for anyone who has not been paying attention).

How old are you?

How old am I? Well a true gentlemen never tells his age. However, I will say I am precariously close to middle-aged and in grave danger of tipping over the edge, but which way I will topple I will not say. I will say that you are only as old as you feel, and I feel like I should be on Medicare and collecting retirement already.

Where are you from?

I am from the great city of Cleveland, Ohio. I do not have much to say about Cleveland. It is one of the reasons I am the paragon of human perfection I am today. As far as cities go, Cleveland is not the pinnacle of human creation and society. It could definitely be better however, it could be worse, it could be Detroit, or God forbid – Pittsburgh. Just kidding, I love all the other cities on the Great Lakes (or at least anyone from there who reads this).

How would you describe yourself?

I would not describe myself. That would be pretentious; instead, I let other people sing my praises. “Me” is one of my least favorite subjects. I prefer you, them, him, her, it, us, or we. I would not describe myself as one of those inane people overly obsessed with themselves and their small me-centric universes. Other people interest me a lot more than I interest myself. Nevertheless, I suppose that does not help this exercise so I will say that I am an incredibly curious individual. I like to question and analyze things. I consider myself very patient, logical, and well grounded, which allows me to get wonderful glimpses into some very amazing places.

How would you say your personality developed?

My personality is the product of much trial-and-error, a considerable amount of mentoring, and extensive analysis of more burned bridges than I can count. I think my environment was definitely crucial. Cleveland will make you hard, brittle, or firm. If you have good family, friends, and other icons, you will be the latter. Without positive influences to temper your development you will be so hard to be unusable as a human being or so easily broken that the smallest trials crush you without effort. The other important thing about Cleveland is that you have to leave it; you have to seek out new people and experiences to achieve meaningful growth and development.

Who are your role models? Why?

My most prolific role model is myself. At the end of the day I amaze myself so much at all the things I am able to accomplish, and the degree of excellence to which I accomplish them. Such magnificence makes me want to get up each day to see if I can outdo the previous day’s performance. Some days I do, most days I fail miserably, but even my failings have such brilliance, style, and savoir-faire that it is a beautiful, poetic thing to behold. I endeavor to be like my father and brother: honest, hardworking, loyal, and dignified. However, if I had to pick a historic figure that I admire deeply, it would be Abraham Lincoln. He was self-taught (and quite intelligent), successful, inspirational, and remained true to his principles while trying simultaneously to do what was right and beneficial. If when I die people would say, “Bane was a loyal, self-made, well-principled, and inspirational person,” then I would consider my life a success (so long as I inspired people to do good things).

What are some of your goals (short and long-term)?

My long-term goals are to live forever, find life on other planets, and find a second home for humanity. To me these are more important than our energy crisis, the war on terror, or our fragile socioeconomic condition. If I had to guess, I would imagine these questions have frustrated humanity since early in humanity's existence: Why do we die? Are we alone in the Universe? What else is out there? Moreover, without finding a second home the human race is doomed to eventually one day die out (or be wiped out), and it would be awesome to be involved in saving humanity. In the short-term, I would like to finish my JD in Criminal Justice and pursue a doctorate in Psychology. I would like to become a published editorial writer or some other journalistic commentator. I also want a vineyard and horse ranch in northern California, three German Shepherds, and a boat, which I will sail around the world.

Are there any political or economic issues that you feel have or may hinder your goals? Explain.

I think international temperature and an increase of piracy in certain regions might hamper my plans on world travel. In addition, financing a boat, a ranch, or a vineyard would also be a problem without a serious upgrade in financial status. Scientific research and progress does not seem to have the same prominence it once enjoyed, and political obstacles to things such as embryonic stem cell research and human cloning further frustrate quantitative and qualitative advancement. Corporations have placed a stranglehold on key technologies that should be maturing but remain theoretical. Moreover, vital human resources remain untapped and undeveloped because of political oppression (communist Asia) or societal neglect (sub-Saharan Africa).

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

The ultimate question. Ten years ago, I did not see myself here, and twenty years ago, I was again wrong about where I was going to be in ten years. So hopefully the third time is the charm, and the Universe is listening. Ten years from now, I will be a lawyer fighting against corruption, bureaucracy, and sociopolitical lethargy. I will be instrumental in substantively reforming our judicial and corrections system, and successfully combating cyber, corporate, and environmental crime. I will be preparing to publish my first book, while shopping for a good pair of Andalusian horses for my farm.

All right, for sitting through that you deserve a good lead-out video so…Have some.