Men In Hats

File Under: Common Sense

Today's lesson will be brief.

These Are Law Enforcement Officers

This Is A Soldier  (Note the firearm: soldiers have firearms)

These Are Civilians in Silly Hats (a.k.a. Law Suggestion Officers)

If have written about the growing police and police brutality before. You can Google search and find dozens of stories collected over the past several decades. I prefer to be self-reliant and only call the authorities for situations I should not handle myself.  However, those of you who are not big fans of the Second Amendment and self-reliance, you have to ask yourself: in a world where people eat their neighbor's faces do I want to be served by people with firearms, or civilians with silly hats and rape whistles?

A Song In My Heart: Good Love Gone Bad

File Under: Hearing Is Believing

In honor of Valentine's Day being tomorrow I will be giving homage to love via song - Bane style.  Today is a toast to one night stands, inappropriate love affairs, stalking, sexual innuendo, and settling for second best - tunes that one way or another became some of the most popular love songs ever, that really should never have been at all.  This is not a list of the worst love songs ever, because they each rocked in their own way, but definitely this could be a list of the most inappropriate love songs of all time.

I'm crazy for your love.  Literally.

Stephen Stills summarizes the free love movement
Today it would go something like this: "Hey, your husband is on an oil rig?  Well, my wife is in Afghanistan.  Let's do it!"

"Love The One You're With" by Stephen Stills from Stephen Stills released 1971 on Atlantic

A.K.A. "If You Don't Know That You Should Leave"
In the best thing off Bon Jovi's baffling turn as country music musicians, Jon Bon Jovi asks an old flame, "We both know this is a bad idea but seeing as we're already drunk, do you want to have sex?"

"(You Want To) Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi from Lost Highway released 2010 on Lost Highway

Bad Lieutenant
We are just going to pretend he left her shivering in the rain.  Yup...

"Don't Stand So Close To Me" by The Police from Zenyatta Mondatta released 1980 on A&M

The Innuendo Song
This is supposed to be a sweet, innocent song about lifelong love, but we all know what he is talking about.  Wink, wink.

"Can't Fight This Feeling" by R.E.O Speedwagon from Wheels Are Turnin' released 19845 on Epic

"I'll be stalking you.  Whore."
This song screams: play this at your wedding.

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police from Synchronicity released 1983 on A&M

Isn't being a sleaze sex-ay?
"Shhh, keep it down; my wife and kids are trying sleep."  As many times as I had to hear this painful track in 2006-7, listening to it again enough times to find a HQ, commercial free version without stupid pictures was by far the most painful part of this whole exercise.  These are the things I do for you, my faithful followers, because I love you so much.  Now join me in my misery and click on the video.

"Lips Of An Angel" by Hinder from Extreme Behavior release 2006 on Universal Republic

The Murder-Suicide Song
It doesn't sound so bad with catchy lyrics and a nice beat.  The Human League should also write:  "Don't You Like Poverty," "Totalitarianism is Fun," "Who Needs The Second Amendment Anyway?" and "No Means Yes."

"Don't You Want Me" by The Human League from Dare released 1981 on Virgin

Friends with benefits and a crying clause
Not sure if I am in love with you or not, but I am definitely super horny right now.  MAJOR CAVEAT:  If you leave the door open, the whole damn deal is off in the future.

"Your Love" by The Outfield from Play Deep released 1985 on Columbia

Somebody call Chris Hansen.
The title says it all.  Pedo-Bear!

"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap from Young Girl released 1968 on Columbia

P.S.: Did anyone else notice that The Union Gap does not have a brass or string section?

You got someplace better to be?
The original ode to one-time nocturnal amorous indiscretion by the balladeer with the most epic beard in rock'n'roll history.

"We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band from Stranger In Town released 1978 on Capitol

Fantasize about your best guy friend having sex...
Nothing creepy about that, it should make a catchy pop song.  Every man needs an anthem, Rick Springfield wrote one for "that guy."  Promptly the next year the first ever Man Council of the Brotherhood of Men was convened to codify Man Law and the subsequent ratification of the Bro Code in the years to come.

"Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield from Working Class Dog released 1981 on RCA

Flesh and blood partners are so analog.
How we all came to be here today.  The song that foreshadowed internet porn, internet dating, and chat room sex.

"Computer Love" by Zapp & Roger from The New Zapp IV U released 1985 on Warner Bros.

The Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift of All Time

'Til death do us part, and here is how much I mean it.

There you have my list of some of the most inappropriate songs about love ever.  Did I miss some?  Let me know on the Facebook group page, The Office of R. Conrad Bane and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @RConradBane.  I leave you with a bonus tune, not exactly a love song you associate with this holiday per se but probably one of the cutest, most endearing, and most inappropriate songs ever: Deano's version of The Date Rape Song.

"Baby, It's cold Outside" by Dean Martin from A Winter Romance released 1959 on Capitol

PSA: What Do You Do When Your Landlord Will Not Fix Your Plumbing?

File Under: Bad Advice

(c) 2010 Bill Plympton

When you are confused and wondering what to do, remember: you can solve most problems by punching someone in the face. The one notable exception to this rule is problems created by punching someone in the face – a re-punch is ill advised. Presuming you have delivered the most comprehensive punch in the face you could muster, we recommend running in the event of punch misfire. In this light, we do not recommend punching in the face for the "speed-challenged.” Know your limits and choose targets wisely; if after punching an individual in the face you notice him or her powering up as if he or she were on Dragonball Z, then you have chosen poorly. We hope that you followed up punching someone in the face with a well-rehearsed, intimidating evil eye. However, if your victim-turned-assailant is unimpressed, you will soon find yourself in a world of hurt. Again, a re-punch is not the way to go. At this point groveling works best; therefore, practice techniques of explaining how you punching the other person were an accident, strange misunderstanding, or the result of uncontrollable full-body spasms. Running here is not beneficial; you will just be tired when you receive a beat down. Remember, life is not Grand Theft Auto – some of the pedestrians are badasses, random punching is never advisable. Punching someone in the face who is expecting it is also a bad move. Instead, try the classic pretend-to-turn-away-then-quickly-steal-on-the-other-guy move; even after thousands of years of human interpersonal conflict, this move still works. Always try to avoid “telegraphing” the punch in the face. Even Bruce Lee got owned on occasion, so keep it simple. Avoid “flashy” uppercuts and hooks, be a master of the Jab. The Jab is sufficient for your average human to get the message. Anything more and this escalates from punching someone in the face to a fight, and that is not what you want.

Additionally, NEVER try this solution on police, federal agents, judges, municipal servants, lawyers, Goodfellas (Wiseguys, Made Men, etc.), rich people, domestic partners, children, rabid animals, drug dealers, mountain lions, ninja assassins, Jedi, soldiers with PTSD, vindictive little bastards, or people with guns. We assume no liability for improper, inappropriate, untimely (whether premature or tardy), or injudicious use of this technique. Be careful not to discriminate based on race, ethnicity, age, sex, orientation, or physical ability; rather strive to be an equal opportunity sucker-puncher. You do not want a reputation for being psycho and a chauvinist bigot. Any beat downs, civil action, incarceration, or busted-caps resultant from misuse of this advice are solely the own damn fault of the end user. NOTE: Research shows punching people in the face has what appears to be a correlation with employment and relationship instability, lack of friends, a solitary lifestyle, and bouts of drunken screaming. Please, do not mix heavy exotic drug use, binge drinking, or prescription medication with punching people in the face. Finally, always when punching people in the face, please use discretion and aggress responsibly.

This message was not paid for or endorsed by anyone with common sense, and has nothing to do with the Ad Council.


If you thought the above cartoon is utterly hilarious click here to find more about the artist and his work