Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In the Eye of the Bee-holder

File under: What Smart People Do When They Should Be Working

(c) 2010

How many have ever felt, on a hot summer day, that the bees just had it in for you? That somehow, the Bee Queen had marked you for harassment, bees followed you around everywhere you went, and were after you and no one else. Well, it turns out you could be right to a degree. New research conducted at Monash University and Universite de Toulousse, indicates that bees can indeed not only recognize human faces, but also recognize a real face from a fake face. Why would bees have such ability? Some might posit the ability helps bees identify sources of sugary sweetness, or to differentiate and avoid different kinds of plants and animals. I do not buy it, not for a nano-second. No, the purpose is much more sinister in nature. I think it is obvious that the bees have a plan, a nefarious plan, and I would be willing to bet that plan involves lists, hit squads (sting squads?), reduction of the human population, and eventual subjugation of humankind. It certainly explains their reclusive withdrawal from the world scene, which scientists are trying to label as Colony Collapse Disorder. If anyone from Disney Pixar is reading this, email me, this will make a great PG movie. I am thinking Samuel L. Jackson as a misanthropic bee overlord and Leonardo DiCaprio as a plucky human rebel, we can call it: “Planet of the Bees.” How about it?

Beyond knowing how our enemy operates and intercepting their plans for world dominion, you might be wondering, ‘why ever anyone funded research into determining can insects recognize human faces.’ If you are inclined to believe the bit about modeling automated facial recognition software from bee brains and law enforcement applications, then I have ten words for you: Genetically engineered, stealth cyborg killer bee kamikaze ninja assassin drones. A Mouthful? Certainly. But, ludicrous? Maybe not, consider the possibilities. The military could program hordes of bees to seek out and destroy enemies of the state wherever they hide all the while cross-pollinating the world – at the same time. It is cost-efficient, eco-friendly, and our enemies would never see it coming. These tiny, altered agents of death fitted with all sorts of modern nano-technology and bioengineered venom would be self-sufficient, self-sustaining, and they would self-destruct once their mission is complete – talk about plausible deniability. Ingenious indeed. I for one am glad they are working on this as opposed to research into human disease and aging.

The following clip has nothing to do with bees, or anything in this post except Samuel L. Jackson. However, there is nothing funnier than a dubbed-for-TV Samuel L. Jackson video clip.

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