Wednesday, February 3, 2010

PSA: What Do You Do When Your Landlord Will Not Fix Your Plumbing?

File Under: Bad Advice

(c) 2010 Bill Plympton

When you are confused and wondering what to do, remember: you can solve most problems by punching someone in the face. The one notable exception to this rule is problems created by punching someone in the face – a re-punch is ill advised. Presuming you have delivered the most comprehensive punch in the face you could muster, we recommend running in the event of punch misfire. In this light, we do not recommend punching in the face for the "speed-challenged.” Know your limits and choose targets wisely; if after punching an individual in the face you notice him or her powering up as if he or she were on Dragonball Z, then you have chosen poorly. We hope that you followed up punching someone in the face with a well-rehearsed, intimidating evil eye. However, if your victim-turned-assailant is unimpressed, you will soon find yourself in a world of hurt. Again, a re-punch is not the way to go. At this point groveling works best; therefore, practice techniques of explaining how you punching the other person were an accident, strange misunderstanding, or the result of uncontrollable full-body spasms. Running here is not beneficial; you will just be tired when you receive a beat down. Remember, life is not Grand Theft Auto – some of the pedestrians are badasses, random punching is never advisable. Punching someone in the face who is expecting it is also a bad move. Instead, try the classic pretend-to-turn-away-then-quickly-steal-on-the-other-guy move; even after thousands of years of human interpersonal conflict, this move still works. Always try to avoid “telegraphing” the punch in the face. Even Bruce Lee got owned on occasion, so keep it simple. Avoid “flashy” uppercuts and hooks, be a master of the Jab. The Jab is sufficient for your average human to get the message. Anything more and this escalates from punching someone in the face to a fight, and that is not what you want.

Additionally, NEVER try this solution on police, federal agents, judges, municipal servants, lawyers, Goodfellas (Wiseguys, Made Men, etc.), rich people, domestic partners, children, rabid animals, drug dealers, mountain lions, ninja assassins, Jedi, soldiers with PTSD, vindictive little bastards, or people with guns. We assume no liability for improper, inappropriate, untimely (whether premature or tardy), or injudicious use of this technique. Be careful not to discriminate based on race, ethnicity, age, sex, orientation, or physical ability; rather strive to be an equal opportunity sucker-puncher. You do not want a reputation for being psycho and a chauvinist bigot. Any beat downs, civil action, incarceration, or busted-caps resultant from misuse of this advice are solely the own damn fault of the end user. NOTE: Research shows punching people in the face has what appears to be a correlation with employment and relationship instability, lack of friends, a solitary lifestyle, and bouts of drunken screaming. Please, do not mix heavy exotic drug use, binge drinking, or prescription medication with punching people in the face. Finally, always when punching people in the face, please use discretion and aggress responsibly.

This message was not paid for or endorsed by anyone with common sense, and has nothing to do with the Ad Council.

If you thought the above cartoon is utterly hilarious click here to find more about the artist and his work

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