Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Song In My Heart: Good Love Gone Bad

File Under: Hearing Is Believing

In honor of Valentine's Day being tomorrow I will be giving homage to love via song - Bane style.  Today is a toast to one night stands, inappropriate love affairs, stalking, sexual innuendo, and settling for second best - tunes that one way or another became some of the most popular love songs ever, that really should never have been at all.  This is not a list of the worst love songs ever, because they each rocked in their own way, but definitely this could be a list of the most inappropriate love songs of all time.

I'm crazy for your love.  Literally.

Stephen Stills summarizes the free love movement
Today it would go something like this: "Hey, your husband is on an oil rig?  Well, my wife is in Afghanistan.  Let's do it!"

"Love The One You're With" by Stephen Stills from Stephen Stills released 1971 on Atlantic

A.K.A. "If You Don't Know That You Should Leave"
In the best thing off Bon Jovi's baffling turn as country music musicians, Jon Bon Jovi asks an old flame, "We both know this is a bad idea but seeing as we're already drunk, do you want to have sex?"

"(You Want To) Make A Memory" by Bon Jovi from Lost Highway released 2010 on Lost Highway

Bad Lieutenant
We are just going to pretend he left her shivering in the rain.  Yup...

"Don't Stand So Close To Me" by The Police from Zenyatta Mondatta released 1980 on A&M

The Innuendo Song
This is supposed to be a sweet, innocent song about lifelong love, but we all know what he is talking about.  Wink, wink.

"Can't Fight This Feeling" by R.E.O Speedwagon from Wheels Are Turnin' released 19845 on Epic

"I'll be stalking you.  Whore."
This song screams: play this at your wedding.

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police from Synchronicity released 1983 on A&M

Isn't being a sleaze sex-ay?
"Shhh, keep it down; my wife and kids are trying sleep."  As many times as I had to hear this painful track in 2006-7, listening to it again enough times to find a HQ, commercial free version without stupid pictures was by far the most painful part of this whole exercise.  These are the things I do for you, my faithful followers, because I love you so much.  Now join me in my misery and click on the video.

"Lips Of An Angel" by Hinder from Extreme Behavior release 2006 on Universal Republic

The Murder-Suicide Song
It doesn't sound so bad with catchy lyrics and a nice beat.  The Human League should also write:  "Don't You Like Poverty," "Totalitarianism is Fun," "Who Needs The Second Amendment Anyway?" and "No Means Yes."

"Don't You Want Me" by The Human League from Dare released 1981 on Virgin

Friends with benefits and a crying clause
Not sure if I am in love with you or not, but I am definitely super horny right now.  MAJOR CAVEAT:  If you leave the door open, the whole damn deal is off in the future.

"Your Love" by The Outfield from Play Deep released 1985 on Columbia

Somebody call Chris Hansen.
The title says it all.  Pedo-Bear!

"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap from Young Girl released 1968 on Columbia

P.S.: Did anyone else notice that The Union Gap does not have a brass or string section?

You got someplace better to be?
The original ode to one-time nocturnal amorous indiscretion by the balladeer with the most epic beard in rock'n'roll history.

"We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band from Stranger In Town released 1978 on Capitol

Fantasize about your best guy friend having sex...
Nothing creepy about that, it should make a catchy pop song.  Every man needs an anthem, Rick Springfield wrote one for "that guy."  Promptly the next year the first ever Man Council of the Brotherhood of Men was convened to codify Man Law and the subsequent ratification of the Bro Code in the years to come.

"Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield from Working Class Dog released 1981 on RCA

Flesh and blood partners are so analog.
How we all came to be here today.  The song that foreshadowed internet porn, internet dating, and chat room sex.

"Computer Love" by Zapp & Roger from The New Zapp IV U released 1985 on Warner Bros.

The Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift of All Time

'Til death do us part, and here is how much I mean it.

There you have my list of some of the most inappropriate songs about love ever.  Did I miss some?  Let me know on the Facebook group page, The Office of R. Conrad Bane and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @RConradBane.  I leave you with a bonus tune, not exactly a love song you associate with this holiday per se but probably one of the cutest, most endearing, and most inappropriate songs ever: Deano's version of The Date Rape Song.

"Baby, It's cold Outside" by Dean Martin from A Winter Romance released 1959 on Capitol

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