Monday, January 25, 2010

Schnitzel, Drugs, and Rock'N'Roll

Cannabis, Kush, Chronic, Dro, Purple Haze, Ganja, Weed, Skunk, Pot, Buddha, Grass, Herb, Bud. Whatever you call it, this trio of tales is an ode of sorts to the almighty sticky green.

File Under: The Law is Not Mocked

Up first, a move of uncharacteristic non-douchebaggery from a state government that normally gets so much wrong from a legislation and Constitutionality standpoint. The California Supreme Court scores one for those who like to toke a J every now and then (for medical purposes of course), by striking down a six year-old amendment to the 1996 Compassionate Use Act. The case in question, People vs. Kelly, revolves around the state legislature’s limit of 8 ounces of marijuana, and the 2005 arrest and conviction of a man in possession of 12 ounces (3/4 of a pound) of marijuana. That is a conservative street value of approximately $420 - $1500, depending on demand, strain, and Mr. Kelly’s horticultural prowess. That could certainly comfort a few glaucoma and cancer sufferers. The high (no pun intended) court stated placing limits on what is enough Mary Jane for personal use is major not cool. After the stressful proceedings, everyone gathered out back to burn one with Governor Schwarzenegger, who in spite of not being stingy with his stash, apparently has vacuum lungs, and hogs the blunt.

File under: Technically Speaking

On to the other side of the world and a question for all you consumers of cannabis: what do you do while you are getting high? That entirely depends on the individual; however, I am willing to bet you listen to trippy music. People have been expanding their minds with the aid of reefer since 3,000 years B.C and I bet music has been a part of the process all along. Thanks to some keen folks at Bach Technology, soon you may be getting groovy and listening to trippy music in a new audio format. The engineers of the proposed format call it MusicDNA, and just as human DNA carries all sorts of information about the host, so does MusicDNA carry additional content about the song. Paying users can receive cool information like song lyrics, “the dates of future tours, new interviews or updates to social network pages.” The new technology should be compatible with IPods and MP3 players and a beta version available this spring.

File under: I Cannot Make This Stuff Up

Everybody knows when you are high, listening to killer tunes, you get killer munchies and you crave the most incomprehensible foods or food combinations. For a high of truly epic proportions, you need something epically stupid on which to munch. What could fit the bill - how about a 24k gold-plated schnitzel? Yes, I did say gold-plated and yes, I did say schnitzel. For the bargain price of 150 Euros (approximately $212 for all you Yankees), Schnitzelhuber of Dusseldorf, Germany will calm your cannabis-induced cravings with a deep fried schnitzel, basted with white and black truffles, and topped with gold leaf. If you are uninitiated as I was I know what you are wondering, and yes, you consume this costly concoction whole, precious metal and all. Apparently, gold-plated food was all the rage in days of yore, when royalty would have delicacies gilded or sprinkled with the stuff. The practice still goes on today in upscale restaurants. Some very expensive liquors and cocktails also contain flecks of gold. Consuming gold in small quantities is not harmful as gold is biologically inert. Trace elements of gold occur naturally in the human body; about 0.0000003% of your body’s atomic makeup is gold. There are even solutions of gold purported to treat diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and tuberculosis. “Well,” you ask, “eating gold is harmless, if a bit gauche, what is so stupid about this gold-plated schnitzel?” To understand this, let us break down the components of this schnitzel. The Wiener or Vienna Schnitzel is a traditional Austrian dish consisting of a thin slice of veal, coated in breadcrumbs, and fried. In its traditional form, it is about 7 Euros (roughly $10 US) at Schnitzelhuber. So how does Huber turn a $10 meal into a small car payment? If you are blaming the gold leaf, I am afraid you are wrong. Culinary gold is available in gourmet stores for relatively cheap. The economical offender in the gold-plated schnitzel is the smattering of white and black truffles under the gold leaf. Simply put a truffle is a fungus, a very expensive fungus. Think of it as a mushroom that thinks it is better than other mushrooms. The variety smeared on top of the golden schnitzel sells for upwards of thousands of dollars US per pound. One, record-holding 3.3-pound truffle sold at auction for a whopping $330,000 US in 2007. Having tasted a dollar once before (do not ask) I certainly hope 330,000 tastes a lot better.

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